• Daddy’s screaming again.
    I don’t know what’s he saying,
    it’s too loud and angry and mean and Lizi is calling for me,
    desperately yelling for me to come to her,
    but it’s not a mean yell,
    not a no dinner no bedtime story no hugs no love yell,
    it’s a nice yell,
    a yell saying that she’s trying to protect me.
    I run away from him to where Lizi is calling,
    out of the living room where the TV plays all day and the beer cans lie on the floor next to the little black plates that Mommy told me to ‘leave alone’ when I tried to have a dinner party with Teddy and Jo-Jo.
    Down the long hall, past the wood that used to be a mirror but got broken by a bottle...or was it a book?
    I can remember a book hitting a mirror and a bottle and then the two blend together into one image that almost makes me laugh cause it’s a bottle-book but I know that isn’t real so which was it book or bottle?
    I can’t remember don’t want to remember forget right now Lizi tells me like she was in the room with me but she isn’t.
    Past the bathroom where Mommy puts paint on her face to cover the blue and black,
    but when I put paint on my face she yells for me to stop getting dirty.
    Lizi is louder now,
    telling me to hurry cause he’s yelling louder too and Mommy’s yelling back at him.
    I only know a couple of the words they’re using.
    They’re the same words that I hear every time,
    mean ugly words that you never hear them say when the sun comes and the birds sing.
    I think he’s yelling to Mommy about me,
    but I don’t know,
    cause I don’t want to know,
    cause I don’t want to have any more dreams that you would think you weren’t sleeping and wake up scared and wanting to cry for Mommy but you can’t cause she’ll yell at you and you’ll be alone in the room again,
    even more scared than before,
    I want to dream nice dreams,
    happy dreams that have they all lived happily ever after endings with princess with long hair and princes that save them from dragons and evil witches and stuff like that.

    Finally in the room,
    grab Teddy and Jo-Jo even though Lizi is yelling to come quick,
    run into the closet that I used to be scared of before I found Lizi and learned that it was a good place a safe place a place to be when you don’t want to be in the open
    Close the closet door so only a little strip of yellow light falls in a rectangle,
    try and breath,
    why is it so hard?
    Heart beating so fast and loud,
    they must be able to hear it from the living room oh God!
    Arms around me and I almost scream but then it’s just Lizi helping me calm down and be quiet as a mouse but that’s not a good word cause mice aren’t that silent and they keep me up at night sometimes.
    Lizi smiles and I can feel it and she’s whispering that I’ll be okay but I have to be quiet,
    so I'm quiet for her cause she’s nice and she doesn’t scream like Mommy and Daddy do.
    Footsteps in the hall,
    yelling getting closer,
    try and think of something else,
    like summer at the river with the trees over my head and the green grass at my feet or maybe I’m walking in the river in the shallow end with the little fishes that you can’t catch nibbling at my toes and you laugh cause it doesn’t hurt it just feels funny and I imagine so hard that for a moment I can feel it but then Mommy’s yelling and Daddy’s yelling and I almost drop Teddy but don’t.
    Lizi’s worried I can tell,
    cause she’s trying to keep me from watching out the little bit that isn’t covered by the door,
    so little that you can only see out of one eye and can’t be seen unless someone is looking for you but they never are....
    Daddy had something in his hand and he’s pointing it at Mommy and I want for Mr. N next door or the nice lady on the other side the one who gave me a cookie at Christmas to come and find Mommy and Daddy and make them stop but no one comes,
    like every other day,
    Mommy looks scared by the stick Daddy’s holding and she’s screaming for him to put it down and Lizi is trying to cover my eyes but I don’t let her and I want to scream for Mommy but Lizi’s covering my mouth as Daddy’s stick make the biggest noise I’ve ever heard,
    louder than the bell that tells us to duck and cover at school,
    louder than when I was standing right next to a black box at the assembly and Mr. Principle spoke into the black ice cream cone and my ear hurt for a day,
    And suddenly Mommy’s not screaming anymore and there’s red paint everywhere and Mommy has a big spill on her pretty white dress that I helped her pick out and the paint’s running down the walls in streaks and Lizi’s trying to pull me back again but I WON’TLET HER cause Mommy’s not moving and Daddy looks scared,
    I want to run to Mommy and shake her,
    make her wake up,
    but Lizi won’t let me....why won’t she let me?
    And Daddy’s putting the stick so that it points at his head just above his ear where his scar is and the loud noise comes again only it seems even louder than before even though it can’t be and now daddy has the red paint all over his head and there’s more on the walls and I’m screaming and Lizi’s letting me scream and I don’t know why cause all I’ve got to do is shake them awake and they’ll get up and clean everything up and never talk about it again but Lizi won’t let me WHY WON’T SHE LET ME?
    And I hear someone come in the house and scream but you can’t hear it over my scream and it’s the nice lady from next door and Mr. N and the lady picks me up and Teddy and Jo-Jo and carries me out of the house but Lizi isn’t coming with me and when I scream for her the Nice lady and Mr. N look back and they can’t see her like Mommy and Daddy can’t and Mr. N’s talking on the telephone and there’s a siren like the one that took Grandma away and the cars that came once when Daddy got arrested are back and there are people running all over and I’m crying more then I’ve ever cried and WHERE IS Lizi??
    WHERE IS SHE?!? I’m yelling and kicking and screaming and someone is saying poor girl poor girl under their breath and I want to hit them and yell at them and scream at them but I can’ cause a Police Officer isn’t letting me out of his arms and I’m still screaming but running out of air and I’m scared cause for the first time Lizi isn’t there and Mommy and Daddy aren’t arguing cause the men are carrying them out under black sheets that look like my rain jacket and all I’ve got are Teddy and Jo-Jo and a little bit of red paint on my cheek that the Nice Lady sees and wipes away as I stop yelling and start crying cause I’m scared.

    Cause Mommy and Daddy went to be with Lizi in the ground under those funny stone with Lizi’s funny name I couldn’t say when we were little so I called her Lizi and then when the man in the white coat couldn’t save her and Daddy started drinking the bad tasting soda and hitting Mommy when she kept crying over Lizi and where is she? WHERE IS MY SISTER?