Day broke and rain stopped

• Artist: Hekibel
• Description: This is a random poem I came up with as I went to school in the morning. It rained the night before, so the streets were still wet.
  
  To explain the beat of the poem, it's a bit odd. It goes 2, 1, 4, 2, 6, 4, 8, 6, etc. Slowly going up by two. I'm not sure why, but I just decided it randomly after the first three lines.
  
  Enjoy!
• Date: 09/22/2008
• Tags: broke rain stopped random thougtful

Shoes squeak

on

l i n o l e u m
Rain stopped f a l l i n g

again

Streets so smooth with water
Catching the SUN
Wet hands can only hold so much
In a simple mirror
The only ones watching: My reflection
And my shadow, who f o l l o w s me
I cannot escape, life is my exit once more
Don't let my feathers fall as I fly high
The clouds will not catch me, they only laugh their high laughter
Stars stretch above your sightless eyes, do I laugh too?
Perhaps I will fall down as rain and break, and fuse with those who also fell
Let us wash away your bitter tears until they are g o n e .....

Comments

[Hekibel]

Thanks A_Scared_Star!

[A_Scared_Star]

Very Well done, can't really say anything else.

[UNKNOW dude ii]

nice ^_^ feel free 2 check out sum of mine if u wish =P

[Hekibel]

Hurmm..... Your line does fit..... Darn you clever critics who know what they're saying! smile

[Flint Jakobs]

...the last line was supposed to say "All in all, though, I like the concept of the poem" >_>;

[Flint Jakobs]

The rhythm is interesting, certainly a neat idea for a poem. However, the general idea behind poetry is that it's imagery based, and it is best to show, not tell. So for this line "Streets so smooth with water", maybe consider something like "concrete slicked with liquid", it would stick to the form you have as well as give a better image, instead of just telling us there's water on the ground. All in all, though, I like the co