• Again and again,
    I spiral right back and it’s only been a weeks since
    I was in the this place last and
    I can’t see, I can’t see anything and
    I’m lost again and again and
    Your truthful eyes pierce through my mind and
    You smile rips through my soul and I reach for the phone
    But I know better, I know you’re not home
    And even if you were, I know I’d only here the drone
    Of a ringing tone
    An outstretched beep wailing in my head and
    An insincere answering machine whispering a lie
    Whispering that you’re sorry you missed my call
    And I can’t bear to just be sitting here alone just
    Picturing the smile that I so rarely saw
    Trying to find your voice that’s lost in my head
    And listing to the song that won us.
    Listening to the song that tore out our hearts and melded them.
    Listening to the song that brought tears to my eyes the first time I heard it
    Because I thought of you. Only you.
    I thought of how we were lost.
    I though about how we didn’t know ourselves until we met
    And now I just think about how I’ve lost myself now because you’re not there
    How I lost myself because you decided it was too hard, too scary
    How I lost myself because you chose someone you wouldn’t be judged for.
    I think about how you seem to feel.
    You can look me in the eye and say ‘I love you’
    But I know that you’re his and that claws at mind and it
    Fills my lungs with hate and love and lust and tears.
    It fills my heart with longing.
    It fills my mouth with betrayal.
    I feel like I should be happy for you but
    How can I be happy for you?
    You’re not even happy for you.
    But you’re “happy.”
    What the ******** is happy?
    I’ve lost that. I’ve lost it.
    I keep trying to fix myself using
    Bodies as band-aids and
    Hearts as medicine and
    Love as a ******** ice pack.
    But it’s not working anymore.
    The blood just comes rushing out and
    The pain just seeps through my body and
    The Band-aids don’t stick and
    The medicine doesn’t work and
    God knows that the ice pack is useless
    It just starts to burn
    It just starts to hurt
    And then it just melts
    It melts like an ice cube tossed into the sun
    It melts like I used to when you smiled,
    When you laughed
    When I held you to save you from those thoughts,
    Those reoccurring thoughts that stabbed at your heart and
    Threatened to take you
    When neither of us was ready for you to go
    I still don’t think that we were ready and
    If I had any sort of chance to do it again
    I would move mountains and oceans
    And split islands and halt eruptions
    I would do anything that I never did
    Anything that was my fault I would fix
    Anything that tried to penetrate us being us
    I would break
    I would stop it in its tracks
    I’d do anything
    Just to have you back.