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I am not worthy. I am not worthy to be your friend, to have friends as amazing as the ones i have. I am not worthy to wear fancy dresses, I am but a common gurl with far fetched dreams that doth haunt my dreams.
So my slight depression is probably caused by the social event i went to today. It was basically a thing for french students. You go to a nice café place and have some food, chat with people and so on. Well I went cause I could and a friend (Heather) was also going. Well it didn't go to well. I felt extremely awkward and out of place. Heather had to leave basically right after she got there and i stuck around till after i ate my food. But the wait to get my food was near agonizing. My teacher asked me a few questions and I answered as simply as possible. I had no one to talk to. I don't socialize very well with people i don't know. So as soon as i was done i bolted. My teacher said good bye (as did I) and I got on my bike and rode around town center in the rain for a few.
I decided to go to the mall to see if that would cheer me up some, but no. I went into hottopic and simi looked for green and black stockings and then went down to DEB to look at the formal dresses. When I was looking at them, I thought to myself that I'm not worthy of wearing something so fine, it's not like it was even real silk or anything. One look at my beat up dirty / muddy old vans just screamed NOT WORTHY. So I left. I went to other various stores but the same feeling kept coming up. Eventually I had to go home.
After working on my driving skills with my dad's new car, I played WoW to avoid my homework. During this I was reinformed that Faye is lacking the taste (not the literal) for *cough* males *cough*. And to my surprise that she was trying not to get her hopes up if Phil indeed likes her. Well that got me happy for like all of 3secs. Then those unworthy thoughts came by for a visit and i started eating cookies (I had told spiggles that I was aiming for a weight of 150ish [bout 25lbs less than i am now] before i ask her out). He tells me to stop, but i can't. I've been actually eating more than i normally do for the past 5 days,
Oh, I believe i forgot to mention the thoughts of suicide i had while riding my bike. I just can't stand the thought of being worthless. It pains me. It's probably one of the reasons why i give so much stuff away (a lot of that stuff goes to Faye).
Ok, so I'm still feeling unworthy, but I need to put my clothes in the dryer and then call it quits for the night.
 rainbow_kiss-able_kisses · Tue Mar 17, 2009 @ 04:29am · 0 Comments |
